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Covenant Marriage -- Building Communication and Intimacy
by Gary Chapman, Ph.D.
© 2003. (Broadman & Holman Publishing: Nashville, TN) [215 pages] All rights reserved.
[Answer 17 of 20 questions correctly to receive 11 hours of Continuing Education credit].

Chapter Two -- Covenant Marriage (p. 11-24)
1. Where in the Bible is marriage referred to as a covenant?
a. Proverbs 2:17
b. Ezekiel 16:8
c. MalachI 2:14
d. all of the above

2. Which best describes steadfast love?
a. the degree to which my spouse makes me happy.
b. maintaining consistent, loving feelings toward my spouse.
c. dwelling on my spouse’s positive traits.
d. maintaining a balanced view of my spouse’s positive and negative traits.

3. Every marriage covenant must be renewed through confrontation and forgiveness when a spouse fails. Confrontation means
a. getting my spouse to show remorse for his or her mistake.
b. threatening to leave if my spouse doesn’t change.
c. holding my spouse accountable for his or her actions.
d. suspending my marital responsibilities until my spouse fulfills his or her duties.

Chapter Three -- Covenant Marriage: Dream of Reality? (p. 25-32)

4. At a time when the author was stuck between ending his marriage or staying married and being miserable the rest of his life, he learned a new way of thinking and behaving by studying the life of Christ. Two months after making this change toward his wife, she cooked his favorite meal. Four months into this new approach he began having positive feelings for her again. At six months his physical desire for her returned. What change did the author make that saved his marriage?
a. He began writing her love letters telling her all the things he appreciated about her.
b. He began serving her -- doing things for her instead of making demands of her.
c. He stopped criticizing her and pointing out her shortcomings.
d. He began taking her out once each week for a date night.

Chapter Four -- What’s So Important About Intimacy? (p. 33-36)

5. Henry, whose wife wanted more intimacy in their marriage, thought they had a good marriage. He had not recognized the lack of intimacy as a problem because
a. he viewed intimacy more as a female need than a male need.
b. he understood intimacy as a recent social development spurred on by talk shows and popular culture rather than a God-given longing in every human being.
c. it is unrealistic to expect every married couple to develop intimacy; therefore many couples can do without it.
d. he was not aware of his own need for intimacy. He had lived so long without being close to anyone.

6. The “minimum daily requirement” for building intimacy is
a. telling your spouse 3 things that happened in your life today and how you felt about them.
b. doing your fair share of domestic chores.
c. expressing some form of physical affection (kissing, hugging, touching)
d. paying your spouse a specific assignment.

Four Unhealthy Patterns of Communication

DOVE -- “I want peace at any price”
HAWK -- “It’s your fault”
OWL -- “Let’s be reasonable”
OSTRICH -- “Ignore it and it will go away”

Chapter Six -- Unhealthy Patterns of Communication (p. 43-50)
7. How does Mr. or Mrs. Owl hurt their marriage?
a. They will do anything for peace.
b. They are too critical.
c. They don’t allow emotional intimacy.
d. They avoid all arguments.

Chapter Seven -- Five Levels of Communication (p. 51-60)

8. Which is TRUE about the five levels of communication?
a. Surface talk (Level 1) is useless and unproductive.
b. In order for couples to experience intimacy, they should agree on most things.
c. Honest communication means telling my spouse all my thoughts and feelings.
d. My spouse will feel closer to me if I listen and accept his or her feelings.

Chapter Nine -- Getting to Know Yourself: Emotions, Desires, and Choices (p. 68-79)
9. When a husband tells a counselor “I’ve got to be true to myself. I just don’t love my wife anymore” and his wife tells the counselor “I must be honest with myself. I hate my husband, and I don’t want to live with him anymore,” the counselor should
a. recognize that their marriage is over.
b. caution them against acting upon their emotions.
c. applaud them for their courage in being honest.
d. tell them this is a normal stage of marriage that will pass with time.

Chapter Ten -- Learning the Art of Self-Revelation (p. 80-89)

10. What does it mean to “reveal your behavior”?
a. confessing your sins.
b. imagining the effects your behavior is having on your spouse.
c. telling your spouse what your behavior means.
d. interpreting your spouse’s current behavior from their previous behavior pattern.

Chapter Eleven -- Getting Ready to Grow: Priorities and Goals (p. 90-97)

11. A measurable marital goal is
a. to get along better with my spouse.
b. to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements when talking with
    my spouse.
c. to argue less with my spouse.
d. to talk more with my spouse.

Chapter Twelve -- Making Time for the Important (p. 98-107)
12. Which of the time management strategies does the author recommend?
a. watching less television.
b. having children participate in household chores.
c. having husbands share in household responsibilities.
d. all of the above.

Chapter Fourteen -- Making Differences an Asset (p. 118-126)

Once you identify a difference between you and your spouse, ask yourself, “What is it about this difference that disturbs me?” Then ask, “Why does that disturb me? What is there about me, about my history, my belief system, that causes me to be irritated with my spouse’s behavior?”

Most of the time the answers to these questions can be found in our past. We were brought up to think a certain way; thus, when we discover that our marriage partner does not agree with our beliefs, thoughts, and behavior patterns, we find ourselves frustrated. When I better understand myself and why I find certain things irritating, I am better able to reveal the source of my feelings to my spouse (p. 120).

Hopefully an open conversation with your spouse will lead you to verbally accept each other’s differences, removing the spirit of condemnation and strife and creating a spirit of friendliness.

When you say, “I am willing to accept the fact that I am a morning person and you are a night person and that one is not better than another,” you haven taken a giant step. (p. 122)
 

13. Robert, a night person, found it irritating that his wife, a morning person, was unwilling to go to bed with him at a “reasonable hour”. His wife, Jill, was greatly annoyed by his condemnation of her. Robert eventually discovered that the real reason he was annoyed had nothing to do with her staying up later; rather it grew out of his own sense of being unloved by Jill because his sexual needs were not being met. They solved this problem by
a. Robert becoming more of a night person.
b. Jill becoming more of a morning person.
c. meeting their sexual needs while maintaining their difference.
d. Robert becoming more of a night person and Jill becoming more of a morning person.

To make progress, we must be willing to make adjustments. We are not changing our basic orientation; we are willingly changing our behavior to make life easier for our spouse. (p. 123)
 

Chapter Fifteen -- Why Do I Get So Defensive? (p. 127-136)
14. The best way to biblically respond after being verbally attacked by your spouse is to
a. withdraw. This diffuses the situation. (Proverbs 22:24) “Do not associate with a man given to anger.”
b. suffer silently, since revenge is not permitted. (I Peter 1:23) “And while being reviled, He [Christ] did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats.”
c. stand up for your dignity, reminding your spouse that he or she isn’t perfect either. (Matthew 7:3) “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
d. tell your spouse, in a positive way, how you have been wronged. Matthew 18:15) “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

Chapter Sixteen -- Overcoming the Barriers of Defensiveness (p. 137-146)

Discovering the emotional roots of our defensiveness requires conscious reflection. Ask yourself, “Why did I get so defensive about that?” Beyond the surface reasons, look for self-esteem issues. Then ask, “What happened in my childhood or adolescence that may be related to my present defensive reactions?” (p. 140)

15. Which is TRUE about the emotional roots of our defensiveness?
a. If your defensive reaction is extremely strong, it is almost always rooted in childhood or adolescent experiences.
b. Most individuals need psychotherapy in order to discover these roots.
c. A simple comment from our spouse that makes us very defensive indicates a troubled marriage.
d. Most couples get tired of being defensive and eventually become good communicators.

Chapter Eighteen -- Then Came Clothes (p. 154-160)

16. Reestablishing intimacy requires
a. not talking about our failures.
b. confession and forgiveness of selfish behavior.
c. asking God to change our spouse.
d. being unashamed.

The Five Love Languages

Words of Affirmation
Giving Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Physical Touch

Chapter Nineteen -- Emotional Intimacy (p. 161-169)
17. A wife says to her husband, “It hurts me to see you go against the teachings of Scripture. I know you will suffer the consequences of your choices, and that hurts me deeply because I love you so much. But I want you to know that I respect your right to make your own decisions.” This wife is
a. whining and complaining.
b. browbeating him with the Bible.
c. showing him great respect.
d. being sarcastic and self-righteous.

Chapter Twenty -- Intellectual Intimacy (p. 170-178)

18. If a husband doesn’t agree with what his wife is saying, an appropriate response would be
a. to say nothing.
b. to say “I disagree.”
c. to give her the freedom to have a different opinion.
d. to register shock and surprise, especially when the wife is clearly wrong.

Chapter Twenty One -- Sexual Intimacy (p. 179-193)

19. Which of the following is FALSE?
a. The husband’s sexual need is physically based, requiring a physical release when the seminal vesicles are full.
b. The wife’s sexual need is rooted in her emotional desire to feel loved.
c. A wife who understands that her husband is stimulated by sight will promote their sexual enjoyment by keeping herself physically attractive.
d. It is important to most wives to experience orgasm each time they have sexual intercourse.

20. Which does NOT help a couple’s sexual oneness?
a. the wife discussing her sexual struggles with a girlfriend.
b. putting young children to bed earlier than the parents’ bedtime.
c. the husband telling his wife three things that happened during his day and how he felt about them.
d. the wife telling her husband what does and doesn’t bring her sexual pleasure.