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Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship
by Dr. Gary Chapman. © 2008.
(former title: Loving Solutions -- Overcoming Barriers in Your Marriage)

(Northfield Publishing: Chicago, IL) All rights reserved [214 pages].
[Answer 14 of 20 questions correctly to receive
10 hours of continuing education credit.]

Chapter Two: An Honest Look at Divorce (p. 25-31)
1. Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein’s study found that 10 to 15 years after the breakup of a marriage,
a. the ex-spouses have remarried and are reasonably happy.
b. their children have grown more resilient to suffering.
c. their combined financial contribution to their children is more stable since they are both working full time.
d. one-half of the women and one-third of the men are still intensely angry at their former spouses.

Chapter Three: Reality Living (p. 33-46)

2. Which is TRUE?
a. In order to take loving action, we must first have loving feelings.
b. It is hypocritical to take positive action when feeling negative emotion.
c. I can do and say positive things to my spouse even when I have strong negative emotions.
d. To be true to ourselves, we must not go against our feelings.

Chapter Four: The Power of Love (p. 47-53)

3. The problem with marital love is
a. many spouses are waiting for the other to love them first before they love in return.
b. many spouses define love as an emotion.
c. many spouses don’t know their partner’s love language.
d. all of the above.

     SIX PRINCIPLES OF REALITY LIVING

1. I am responsible for my own attitude.
2. Attitude affects action.
3. I cannot change others.
4. My actions are not controlled by my emotions.
5. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.
 

Chapter Five: Understanding the Hidden Self (p. 55-67)

4. The author argues that “The closer we come to understanding the internal motivation for our spouse’s behavior, the better equipped we are to be agents of positive change. If we can help him or her meet those needs in a healthier manner, then we may well see our spouse’s behavior change in a positive direction.” In support of this argument, the author quotes ____ who says “Everything we do is to satisfy powerful forces within ourselves.”
a. B.F. Skinner
b. William Glasser
c. Jean Piaget
d. Alfred Adler

       THE FIVE MOST BASIC NEEDS
1. Love
2. Freedom
3. Significance
4. Recreation
5. Peace with God
 

5. Which personality type is prone to feelings of depression?
a. Peacemaker
b. Controller
c. Caretaker
d. Party Maker

Chapter Six: The Irresponsible Spouse (p. 69-85)

6. What caused Suzanne to improve her cooking and homemaking skills?
a. Her husband, Robert, stopped criticizing her and asked her how he could be a better husband and father.
b. She had a strong support network of other married wives who were also stay-at-home moms.
c. Robert made a bargain with her that if he made changes then she should also.
d. She resolved her guilt feelings of having taken her daughter through a divorce.

            FOUR COMMON SOURCES OF IRRESPONSIBILITY

1. Following the model of your parent.
2. Rebelling against the model of your parent.
3. A self-centered attitude.
4. An expression of resentment toward your spouse.
 

Chapter Seven: The Workaholic Spouse (p. 87-98)

COMMON REASONS FOR WORKAHOLISM

1. To prove one is not inferior
2. Perfectionism
3. A need for love
4. A need to achieve
5. To avoid one’s spouse
 

7. If a wife recognizes that her workaholic husband is trying to prove he is not inferior, what would the author advise her to do next?
a. Use a tough love approach to “shock” her husband out of his obsession with work.
b. Stop criticizing his long work hours and begin praising him for his efforts.
c. Find him another job that is less demanding.
d. Develop a parallel lifestyle that doesn’t require her husband’s participation.

Chapter Eight: The Controlling Spouse (p. 99-114)

8. Which of the following responses represents the author’s effective way to respond to a controlling spouse?
a. Mimic your controlling spouse’s behavior so he or she knows how it feels to be treated that way.
b. Learn to be extremely tolerant and compromising of your controlling spouse, yielding to his or her behavior as much as possible, thereby promoting peace and harmony in your home.
c. Acknowledge anything good about your spouse’s behavior but do not allow yourself to be controlled by it.
d. The best way to communicate with your controlling spouse is in writing, explaining in great detail the detrimental effects of his or her controlling behavior, especially how it diminishes the importance of your thoughts and feelings.

Chapter Nine: The Uncommunicative Spouse (p. 115-127)

9. For Jill, the moment of insight and clarity for her came when she realized that
a. Mike’s primary love language was physical touch.
b. Mike was being manipulative with his silence.
c. She had not done much to fill Mike’s love tank and that’s probably why he felt threatened by her going to the beach with her girlfriends.
d. Mike was immature in how he handled disappointment and that he just needed to grow up.

10. The most common mistake of spouses who are married to non-communicative mates is to
a. punish them with their own silence.
b. focus on the silence rather than the reason for the silence.
c. escalate the situation by getting angry or critical.
d. continue badgering them until they talk.

11. If you have a fear of expressing your negative feelings and thoughts to your spouse, the author recommended
a. writing your thoughts and feelings in a letter.
b. just accepting the fact that you talk less.
c. cognitive-behavioral therapy.
d. medication and counseling.

Chapter Ten: The Verbally Abusive Spouse (p. 129-140)

12. Before a wife can effectively respond to her husband’s verbal abuse, she must
a. have a temporary separation to gain relief from the emotional damage.
b. “toughen up” so she can learn to be as intimidating to him as he is to her.
c. learn to mentally tune out her husband’s remarks as he is speaking.
d. not believe her husband’s critical remarks and rediscover her own self-worth.

13. A proper reply to an abusive spouse is
a. “The verbal attacks that I’ve heard from you have brought me tremendous pain. Some of the things you say are true, and I would like to work on those things. Other things you have said were either exaggerated or untrue. I want to have a positive relationship with you but I can’t be responsive when I’m in so much pain. I am going to go to counseling and invite you to go along with me.”
b. “ I’ve made a decision. Because of how much pain you cause me when you lash out at me with critical and demeaning remarks, I’ve decided that the next time you lose temper and yell at me, I’m going to take some time away from you. I’m not abandoning you. I’m just taking constructive action to your destructive behavior. I believe with God’s help you can become more like the good person that is inside you.”
c. I realize that in the past I have encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in to whatever you have desired of me. I now realize that this is wrong. I want you to know that in the future whenever you lash out at me in anger and verbally attack me, I will not be responsive to that kind of behavior. If you want to make a kind request of me as your spouse,I will certainly consider your request and may well do what you desire,but I will not encourage you to be a tyrant by giving in to you when you are ranting and raving.”
d. all of the above.

14. The source of Debbie’s critical words toward Daniel was
a. having been raised by an alcoholic father.
b. her empty love tank (for quality time with Daniel).
c. pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS).
d. clinical depression.

Chapter Eleven: The Physically Abusive Spouse (p. 141-153)

REASONS WHY BATTERED WIVES ARE RELUCTANT TO CALL THE POLICE

1. They blame their imperfections for the abuse (low self-esteem).
2. They feel overwhelmed and helpless.
3. Many grew up in abusive homes. They’re used to abuse.
4. They find their self-worth in trying to rescue their husbands from abusive behavior.
5. They find good in their husbands when the abuse is not occurring.
6. They have isolated themselves from family and friends so no one else knows about the abuse.
7. They are afraid of their husbands’ retaliation if they expose the abuse.
8. They are financially dependent upon their husbands.
 

15. The best motivation for getting a husband to go to counseling for his abusive behavior is
a. when his wife, who has temporarily moved out of their home, tells him she will never come back until he changes.
b. when the court orders him into a recovery program.
c. when his group therapy members tell him it is possible for him to change.
d. when he learns to eliminate anger.

Chapter Twelve: The Sexually Abused/Abusive Spouse (p. 155-167)

SOME ADULT SYMPTOMS OF HAVING BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD

1. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, and a revulsion toward sex.
2. Inability to enjoy kissing, fondling, and nakedness in marital sex.
3. Ambivalence toward sex. Sometimes sexually interested and many times not.
4. Bouts of depression and withdrawal.
5. Low self-esteem and self-contemptuous remarks.
6. Self-blame for the childhood sexual abuse.
 

16. Which book did the author recommend for helping with recovery from sexual abuse?
a. Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Diane Langberg.
b. The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Sexual Abuse by Dan B. Allender.
c. Beyond the Darkness: Healing for Victims of Sexual Abuse by Cynthia Kubetin & James Mallory, M.D.
d. Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse, repack: A Sensitive Biblical Guide for Counselors, Victims, and Families by Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought

Chapter Thirteen: The Unfaithful Spouse (p. 169-182)

17. After Joanna told Raphael about her affair and they sought professional help, one of the most difficult parts of the counseling for Raphael was
a. learning to forgive Joanna for having carried on her affair for two years.
b. giving up the right to take revenge on Joanna’s lover.
c. deciding to continue his marriage after what Joanna had done to him.
d. admitting that he had not been successful in meeting Joanna’s emotional needs throughout the years.

Chapter Fourteen: The Alcoholic/Drug-Abusing Spouse (p. 183-193)

18. The only thing that ultimately motivates drug or substance abuse users to make the decision to seek treatment is
a. coming to despise their own lifestyle, usually through a crisis such as a job loss, marital separation, being arrested, or losing friends.
b. having a spouse who cares enough to overlook their disruptive behavior.
c. having a spouse who cares enough to berate them every time they use.
d. having a spouse who does not ever use (is totally abstinent).

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT PROGRAMS HAVE:

1. A commitment to a drug-free environment and a goal of total abstinence.
2. Competent medical and nursing care.
3. A strong emphasis on one’s personal spiritual life.
4. Education sessions that provide understanding of the effects of drugs.
5. Both group and individual therapy sessions.
6. Involvement of the larger family in the treatment process.
7. A strong commitment to getting the patient into a support group after the initial treatment program.
 

19. What is the best way a spouse of a substance abuser can be of help?
a. Get the abuser court-ordered into a treatment program.
b. Let the abuser fully experience the results of his or her own abuse.
c. File for separation.
d. Keep a daily journal of the negative effects of the abuser’s addiction and present it to him or her after one year.

Chapter Fifteen: The Depressed Spouse (p. 195-207)

                     
THREE CATEGORIES OF DEPRESSION

1. Depression as a by-product of a physical illness.
2. Situational or reactive depression to some kind of loss (death, divorce, job loss, a child leaving home, loss of friendship, loss of money, loss of hope).
3. Depression caused by some biochemical disorder (endogenous depression)
A. Electrical and neurochemical disorders in the brain.
B. Disorders of the glands of the endocrine system (thyroid, parathyroid,thymus, pancreas, pituitary, adrenal, ovaries, gonads). Depression can result when these produce too low or too high a level of hormones.
C. Disorders of metabolism (i.e. abnormally low blood sugar levels)
 

20. The most common form of depression is _______.
a. a by-product of a physical illness.
b. situational depression.
c. neurological disorders.
d. a hormone imbalance.