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Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
by Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., Scott M. Stanley, Ph.D., and Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D.
© 2010.
(Jossey-Bass: San Francisco, CA) All rights reserved. [448 pages]

[Answer 17 of 25 questions correctly to receive
16 hours of continuing education credit.]

 

Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love
Chapter 1 -- Five Keys to a Great Relationship: PREP in a Nutshell (p. 19-36)

1. PREP stands for Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Using the five PREP principles, which is NOT true?
a. When something important is at stake, a couple needs to make a decision together, not just let things happen.
b. When your spouse is acting unfairly or inappropriately, there is nothing positively you can do except wait until your spouse’s behavior changes for the better.
c. Each spouse has an obligation to make the other feel safe when talking to each other.
d. Keep the positive alive.
e. Don’t threaten the future of your relationship in the midst of a fight.

2. Static risk factors are factors that threaten the stability of a marriage. These factors cannot be changed (lowered). Dynamic risk factors, however, can be lowered.
Which of the following threats to a marriage can be lowered?
a. Having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems.
b. Living together prior to marriage.
c. Knowing each other for only a short time before marriage.
d. Arguing negatively, using put-downs, or giving your spouse the silent treatment.

Chapter 2 -- Destructive Patterns: Signs of Danger Ahead (p. 37-63)

DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS
Escalation
Invalidation
Withdrawal and Avoidance
Negative Interpretations
 

3. Which is TRUE about escalation?
a. Escalation is damaging because couples often say things not easily taken back, like threatening to end the relationship.
b. Mean things that are said during escalation reflect what couples really think and feel about each other.
c. For escalation to occur, voices must be raised.
d. Once escalation occurs, it cannot be raised reversed by softening one’s tone and acknowledging one’s partner’s point of view.

4. According to marital researcher John Gottman, ___ determines 96% of the subsequent course of the conversation between a husband and a wife.
a. waiting to talk until after the kids are in bed
b. when the husband or wife use a more serious tone of voice
c. how a couple begins talking about issues
d. what time of day a couple begins talking

Chapter 3 -- Changing Roles, Changing Rules: Men and Women in Conflict (p. 64-86)
5. In marriage, women tend to define intimacy more in terms of ___ , while men tend to define intimacy more in terms of ___ .
a. verbal communication; silence.
b. verbal communication; sex.
c. verbal communication; shared activities.
d. quality time; sex.

6. Marital surveys reported that
42% of withdrawal from arguments was done by husbands
26% of withdrawal from arguments was done by wives
17% of withdrawal from arguments was done by both, and
15% had no withdrawal.
The most stated reason why a spouse withdrew from a marital argument was because the withdrawer
a. is not interested in intimacy.
b. does not want to change.
c. is pulling a power move in which he or she is “showing” the pursuer that the pursuer does not have control.
d. fears arguing with the pursuer and wants to avoid a conflict.

Part 2: Teaming Up to Handle Conflict

Chapter 4 -- When What You Heard Isn’t What I Said: Understanding Filters in Communication (p. 89-105)
7. What is the best way to respond to your spouse who is momentarily moody?
a. Avoid interaction until his or her mood improves.
b. Appeal to him or her to make more of an effort.
c. Acknowledge his or her mood in a gentle manner.
d. Suggest that your spouse go take a nap.

8. A bad habit in which one spouse has a negative assumption about what the other spouse is thinking or feeling is called
a. escalation.
b. invalidation.
c. mind reading.
d. pessimism

Chapter 5 -- Talking Safely Without Fighting: The Speaker Listener Technique (p. 106-133)
9. Which is NOT one of the Speaker-Listener Technique rules?
a. If you are the listener, paraphrase what the speaker is saying.
b. If you are the listener, you may interrupt the speaker if something untrue is said.
c. If you are the speaker, talk about your thoughts and concerns, not the motives of the listener.
d. Stop and allow the listener to paraphrase what you are saying.

HIDDEN ISSUES: THE DEEPER THEMES

Power
Acceptance
Caring
Respect
Recognition
Love
Commitment
Trust
Integrity
 

Chapter 6 -- Controlling the Home Fires: Handling Issues and Events Well (p. 134-159)
10. The type of talk that couples should be engaged in naturally and most of the time is
a. casual talk.
b. conflict talk.
c. friendship talk.
d. support talk.

11. Concerning the hidden issue of control and power, the spouse who ___ has the most power.
a. is the least committed
b. cares the most
c. makes the most money
d. has the stronger personality

12. The best way to handle hidden issues is to
a. gently encourage your spouse to make progress in their hidden issues, such as giving up control, demonstrating more commitment, etc.
b. use the Speaker-Listener Technique to really listen to the thoughts and feelings of your spouse.
c. keep talking until you both solve the problem.
d. talk until you both realize the root issue, which is usually acceptance and/or fear of rejection.

Chapter 7 -- New Perspectives on Problems and Problem Solving (p. 160-191)
13. Which is NOT true about marriage and sleep?
a. About 20% of married couples sleep in separate bedrooms.
b. Most spouses actually sleep better together than apart.
c. After a poor night of sleep, most spouses are more negative with their partners.
d. Couples who snore should agree on a way to signal to the other to move or turn over to a new position to stop the snoring.

14. Which does NOT contribute to healthy problem solving?
a. Spouses who believe there is something seriously wrong with their marriage if they have unsolved problems.
b. Viewing your spouse as a team member, not an adversary.
c. Not rushing toward a solution.
d. Having a good discussion, before solving a problem, in an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance.

15. Which is the MOST EFFECTIVE statement?
a. Why do you have to be so messy?
b. Do you expect me to clean up after you?
c. When you leave your dirty dishes in the sink after dinner, I feel upset.
d. Is there a reason why you don’t clean up the kitchen while I’m putting the kids to bed?

Chapter 8 -- Keeping Conflict Under Control: Ground Rules (p. 192-213)
16. Which of these is NOT one of the six ground rules recommended by the authors?
a. When conflict is escalating, call a Time Out or Pause.
b. When having trouble communicating, use the Speaker Listener Technique.
c. Completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution, so that you understand your spouse’s perspective before you try to solve a problem.
d. The best way to prevent escalation is to engage in a quiet activity, such as reading, and avoid all physical exertion.
e. The listener can say, “This is not a good time” and take responsibility for setting another time in the near future to talk.
f. Have weekly couple meetings, even if things are going well.
g. Make time for fun, friendship, support, and sensuality.

Chapter 9 -- Safe Harbor: Preserving and Protecting Friendship (p. 217-231)
17. For married couples, which is NOT a part of “talking like friends”?
a. solving problems.
b. sharing positive news.
c. listening without defensiveness.
d. offering emotional support.

Chapter 10 -- Being There: Supporting One Another in Life (p. 232-254)

SIX TYPES OF SUPPORT
Being There
Doing
Encouraging
Giving
Talking and Listening
Touching
 

18. Which of the following is a way to listen supportively to your spouse who is momentarily upset?
a. “It’s obvious that you’re upset. What’s wrong?”
b. “Why do you always get so angry?”
c. “Calm down so we can talk about it.”
d. “It seems to me that you’re upset, would you like to talk?”

19. Which is NOT true about touching?
a. According to experts, talking and touching are the two most important forms of emotional support.
b. When couples are holding hands, hugging, or kissing, their oxytocin levels increase, thus strengthening their feelings of attachment.
c. Couples who touch one another have greater stamina to fight stress than when they are not touching one another.
d. Couples should not touch each other when talking about problems.

Chapter 11 -- Playing Together: How to Succeed in Fun Without Really Trying (p. 255-269)
20. Laura told Dexter she loved him but was not “in love” with him any more. What helped to improve her feelings for him?
a. They stopped working together in business.
b. Dexter learned to manage money better.
c. They decided to make having fun together a major priority.
d. They began using the Speaker Listener Technique.

Chapter 12 -- Sense and Sensuality: Enhancing and Protecting Your Sex Life (p. 270-293)
21. Sensuality, distinguished from sexuality, is physical touching that includes holding hands, hugging, romantic talking, affectionate cuddling, nonsexual massages -- all acts that provide sensual arousal and pleasure in non-sexual ways. What happens when married couples bypass the sensual to just having sex?
a. Their marital happiness increases.
b. They lose a sense of connection with one another.
c. They have greater sexual pleasure.
d. They feel less rushed during sexual intimacy.

22. If a spouse has low sexual desire, what is the first thing he or she should do?
a. Go to the doctor and get a complete physical exam to rule out any physical cause, such as hormonal problems.
b. Start a regular exercise program.
c. Go to marriage counseling.
d. Ask the other spouse to be more romantic.

Chapter 13 -- Sacred Places: Core Beliefs and Spiritual Intimacy (p. 294-317)
23. What advice do the authors give to a couple where one spouse is religious and the other spouse is not?
a. For the religious spouse, don’t allow excessive church attendance take you too much away from your spouse.
b. For the non-religious spouse, if you do not want to go to church, consider participating in a volunteer service activity with your spouse.
c. For both spouses, maintain respect for one another’s differences.
d. All of the above.

Chapter 14 -- Why You Can’t Always Get What You Want: Unraveling the Mysteries of Expectations (p. 321-342)
24. Which is NOT true about expectations?
a. Some expectations are unreasonable.
b. After years of marriage, my spouse should know what I want. I should not have to tell him or her what I want.
c. My disappointment can help me identify my expectations of my spouse.
d. Try to meet your spouse’s reasonable expectations.

Chapter 15 -- Forgiveness: Restoring Hope (p. 343-371)
25. Which is TRUE about forgiveness?
a. You know you have truly forgiven your spouse when you don’t feel the pain of the offense anymore.
b. It is impossible to forgive your spouse if he or she is not sorry for the wrongdoing.
c. Forgiveness is choosing to not punish your spouse for a wrong he or she did to you.
d. There are some marital offenses that cannot be forgiven.