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How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair -- A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
by Linda J. MacDonald, LMFT
2010.
(Healing Counsel Press: Gig Harbor, WA) All rights reserved.

[Answer 11 of 15 questions correctly to receive
3 hours of Continuing Education Credit]

 

Chapter 1: Qualities of Successful Rebuilders: "Getting It" (p. 19-26)
1. Why do offending spouses have difficulty understanding the wrongness of their infidelity and the depth of pain they have caused their families?
a. They tend to refer to their infidelity by names which minimize the damage they have done, like "friendships" or "harmless dalliances."
b. They have unfairly contrasted the love and desire of a fantasy affair with the normal responsibilities of a real life marriage.
c. They are so self-absorbed with doing damage control that they lack sympathy for their betrayed spouse and children.
d. All of the above.

Chapter 2: The Three R's of Successful Rebuilders (p. 27-32)
2. This chapter discusses the benefits of
a. a trial separation.
b. a good lawyer.
c. staying in the same house after the infidelity.
d. helping the wounded spouse to become a better marriage partner.

Chapter 3: Guidelines for Discovery and Disclosure (p. 35-40)
3. Which was NOT recommended in this chapter?
a. It is better for recovery if the betrayer voluntarily admits to the affair rather than waits to be discovered.
b. The betrayer should reveal the truth about his affair slowly, bit by bit, so as to not overwhelm his betrayed spouse with the pain.
c. The betrayer should break off all contact with the affair partner, even if he has to change jobs.
d. It is helpful for the unfaithful spouse to witness or listen in on the betrayer making a clean break with the affair partner, including the betrayer's declaration of love for his spouse, and a request for the affair partner to make no further contact with the betrayer.

Chapter 4: Stumbling Blocks to Severing Ties with the Affair Partner (p. 41-44)
4. Which is TRUE?
a. Continual secret contacts with the affair partner will harm the recovery of the marriage.
b. Affairs tend to produce a distorted view of the marriage -- as more miserable than it really was, and a distorted view of the affair partner -- that she can meet all the needs of the betrayer.
c. No wounded spouse ever causes an affair.
d. All of the above.

Chapter 5: Undoing the Damage from Your Lies and Rationalizations (p. 45-52)
5. Once the affair is over, what should the betrayer do if his former lover sends him an email, after he had requested a clean break with no contact?
a. He should answer the email and not tell his wife.
b. He should answer the email and tell his wife.
c. He should not answer the email and tell his wife.
d. He should not answer the email and not tell his wife.

6. Statements of apology by the betrayer need to be heard many times. All of the following statements are appropriately worded EXCEPT
a. "I was wrong."
b. "I deeply regret hurting you."
c. "I have sinned against you and God."
d. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Chapter 6: Gear Shift and Guitar (p. 89-115)
7. Successful rebuilders are patient with the hurt partner's emotions and the time needed to recover. Which of the following behaviors is NOT a patient response from the betrayer?
a. The betrayer encourages the wounded spouse to resume normal life as soon as possible, such as restoring an active sexual relationship, in order to put the past behind them.
b. The betrayer will stop and listen whenever the wounded spouse wants to talk.
c. The betrayer will respect the wounded spouse's right to experience sadness and anger.
d. The betrayer will hold the wounded spouse when she cries.

8. Which is NOT characteristic of successful rebuilders?
a. They listen attentively to their spouses' hurts and show immense sorrow for their partners' injuries.
b. They are more sorry for their spouses' pain than for their own guilt.
c. They can say they are truly sorry for what they have done but they cannot promise to never do it again because no one knows the future.
d. When their wounded spouses cry or get angry, successful rebuilders will say something like, "I deeply regret hurting you," "You have every right to feel that way," and "I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you."

Chapter 7: Which is NOT true? (p. 61-64)
9. Which is NOT true?
a. After the affair, the wounded spouse often feels undesirable, unwanted, demeaned, and disgraced.
b. In reality, most betrayers do not consciously harbor thoughts of demolishing their partner's self-esteem. They are usually so caught up with their exhilarating emotions that they actually think little about the impact of their actions upon their spouses. They are self-absorbed and obsessed with their partners, spending a lot of mental energy on efforts to cover their tracks, justify their affair, and quash their guilt.
c. It is helpful for the wounded spouse if the betrayer explains why he was unfaithful, that he didn't intend to hurt his spouse, and why he gave little thought to his wife at the time he was unfaithful.
d. A successful rebuilder of trust will have no secret email accounts, no hidden cell phones or cell phone bills, no unknown post-office boxes. He will install porn blockers on his computer. He will show all past and current cell phone bills to his wounded spouse. He will check in by telephone with his wounded spouse to leave no room for unexplained late arrivals home. He is not offended when his wounded spouse questions his whereabouts.

Chapter 8: Responding to Your Spouse's Triggers (p. 65-68)
10. Which statement was NOT made in this chapter?
a. A rebuilder who gets rid of material possessions associated with the affair is showing in a tangible way his concern for his wife's agony.
b. People who supported the affair should either be confronted or avoided. If confronted, the betrayer should have a "corrective talk" with them in which he admits his wrongdoing and asks for support for his marriage.
c. Successful rebuilders do not force their hurt partners to socialize with people who are not friends of the marriage.
d. If both spouses were unfaithful at one time, the spouse who committed adultery for the longer period did the most damage.

Chapter 9: Dealing with Your Partner's Obsessions (p. 69-72)
11. Which is NOT true?
a. After discovery of an affair, the wounded spouse usually thinks about the betrayal constantly.
b. A successful rebuilder will help his wounded spouse to take her mind off his betrayal.
c. Hurt spouses often struggle with flashbacks of their partners' infidelity during marital love-making.
d. Sex should be restored very slowly, only after the betrayer has patiently listened to his wounded spouse.

Chapter 10: Making Amends with Your Children (p. 73-75)
12. Which is TRUE?
a. Children of an adulterous parent will wonder if they will some day commit adultery also.
b. If a parent has adult children when he commits adultery, he should not tell them.
c. Adultery hurts young children more than it does older children.
d. Young adults who have a parent who commits adultery develop a resiliency against adultery.

Chapter 11: Changing Your Core Character (p. 77-79)
13. "If I am attracted to someone else, it means that I must have married the wrong person" is an example of the character defect of
a. attitude of entitlement.
b. poor coping skills.
c. ability to rationalize.
d. improperly handled anger.

Chapter 12: But What About My Partner's Faults? (p. 83-84)
14. Only in rare cases can an affair be justified using the faults of the betrayed spouse.
a. True
b. False

Appendix: Annotated Bibiliography (p. 87-93)
15. The author's "favorite all-around book on infidelity" is
a. Steering Clear by Earl D. Wilson
b. Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shiver
c. Addicted to Adultery by Richard and Elizabeth Brzeczek
d. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass