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Not Just Friends -- Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity
by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.
© 2003.
(Free Press: New York, NY) All rights reserved.

[Answer 25 of 35 questions correctly to receive
19 hours of Continuing Education Credit]

 

Introduction (p. 1-14)
1. Which is TRUE?
a. Affairs happen primarily in unhappy or unloving marriages.
b. A cheating partner almost always leaves clues.
c. Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.
d. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.

Chapter 1: I’m Telling You We’re Just Friends (p. 17-41)
2. Men and women tend to view friendship differently. For women, friendship is being vulnerable, open, self-disclosing, and emotionally supportive. For men, friendship is doing things together, side by side.
Which of the following behaviors threatens the integrity of one’s marriage?
a. When a husband shares feelings with a female co-worker that he doesn’t share with his wife.
b. When a stay-at-home mother talks to a male neighbor, and her husband doesn’t know she is talking to him or what they are talking about.
c. When a husband talks to a female co-worker who complains about her husband’s shortcomings.
d. All of the above.

3. What advice did Dr. Glass NOT give about avoiding fatal attractions?
a. Cultivate strong spiritual disciplines such as prayer and Bible study.
b. Don’t act on your attraction to someone else. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean that you’ve chosen the wrong spouse.
c. Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
d. Don’t flirt, and avoid risky situations.

Chapter 2: Crossing into a Double Life (p. 42-63)
4. Which is NOT one of three thresholds or characteristics that separate platonic friendships from romantic emotional affairs?
a. emotional intimacy
b. marital happiness
c. secrecy
d. sexual chemistry

Chapter 3: Reaching the Moment of Revelation (p. 67-87)
5. Which statement does the author NOT agree with?
a. Although many couples recover from infidelity, the innocence and safety that existed before the affair can never be reclaimed.
b. A lot of secret affairs go unsuspected.
c. Most betrayed partners already knew about the infidelity but chose to ignore the signs.
d. Sexual flings that have almost no emotional attachment are the least likely to be suspected or detected.

6. Which is NOT true?
a. You usually cannot tell whether your partner is having an affair from just one piece of evidence. You need to identify a pattern of unusual behavior.
b. One of the most predictive emotional cues of infidelity is when one’s spouse stops saying “I love you.”
c. During the first confrontation, guilty spouses are more likely to tell the whole truth freely rather than just the tip of the iceberg.
d. Couples regain trust more readily after voluntary confession of infidelity by the unfaithful partner rather than after repeated denials.

Chapter 4: In the Wake of Discovery (p. 88-114)
7. With regard to the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful spouse, and the affair partner, the surest way for all three to start healing their wounds is
a. for the unfaithful spouse to make a clean break from the affair partner.
b. for the betrayed spouse to confront the affair partner.
c. for the betrayed spouse to give the unfaithful spouse an ultimatum.
d. for the betrayed spouse to reveal the affair to the affair partner’s spouse.

8. Studies have found a ___ probability that an affair will result in marriage to the affair partner. Annette Lawson found that ___ of unfaithful spouses who left the marriage because of infidelity ended up marrying the affair partner.
a. very low, 10%
b. low, 20%
c. moderate, 40%
d. high, 70%

9. What is NOT true about the nature of the betrayal?
a. The longer an affair continued, the longer it will take to recover from it.
b. If a husband tells his wife that his affair is over and he is no longer seeing the other woman, she should believe him.
c. If an unfaithful husband continues to have non-sexual contact with his former lover, his wife will not experience the safety that is necessary for recovery.
d. The best conditions for recovery to take place is for the betrayed spouse to be certain that the affair is over and there is no more contact with the affair partner.

10. The first step in recovering from infidelity is for the unfaithful spouse to end the affair. When stopping all contact with the affair partner, the author advised the unfaithful spouse to do all of the following EXCEPT
a. Stop all phone calls, lunches, and emails.
b. Quit any recreational activities you shared with your affair partner.
c. Quit your job if you work with your affair partner.
d. Don’t talk about your marriage ever again with your affair partner.

Chapter 5: Should You Pick Up the Pieces or Throw in the Towel? (p. 115-135)
11. Which of the following behaviors on the part of the unfaithful husband would help promote marital recovery?
a. The husband makes a 100% commitment to improve his marriage, regardless of his ambivalent feelings for both his wife and his former lover.
b. The husband refuses to compare his former affair partner with his wife, knowing that he is just comparing the excitement of an idealized, romantic relationship with the comfort and familiarity of a life long relationship.
c. The husband repeatedly resists his own impulses to make contact again with his former lover, knowing that they could never go back to just a platonic relationship, and that maintaining contact with her would prevent his wife from trusting him again. He also knows that a friendship with his former lover would make him put less effort into rebuilding his marriage, keeping the option open that he could go back to her if his marriage failed.
d. All of the above.

12. When deciding whether to stay in the marriage or leave, which of the following did the author NOT recommend the unfaithful spouse to consider?
a. Whether or not God would want you to stay in the marriage.
b. Visualize life without your spouse. Picture attending family events separately.
c. What do you remember about the good memories you have created with your spouse?
d. Do you understand what vulnerabilities set the stage for the affair?

13. In Peggy Vaughn’s on-line survey, 57% of betrayed spouses said their therapy was mostly frustrating because
a. the counselor focused on general marital problems instead of dealing directly with issues about the affair.
b. the counselor dwelled too much on the affair.
c. the counselor was too condemning of the unfaithful spouse, whom the betrayed spouse still loved.
d. the counselor didn’t properly intervene when the unfaithful spouse blamed the affair on his or her spouse’s weaknesses.

Chapter 6: How to Cope with Obsessing and Flashbacks (p. 136-161)
14. Which is NOT true about obsessive thoughts?
a. Obsessive thinking is a normal, not pathological, response to trauma.
b. Writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings about the affair helps to control obsessive thoughts.
c. Sending uncensored, punishing letters to the affair partner helps to control obsessive thoughts.
d. Writing down unanswered questions to be calmly discussed later helps to control obsessive thoughts.

15. Which is NOT true about flashbacks?
a. You will know that healing is nearly complete when flashbacks are twinges rather than painful experiences.
b. If a betrayed wife has a flashback while watching TV, it is helpful for her husband to comfort her rather than to be defensive, impatient, or critical.
c. A flashback cannot occur during a period of marital progress or goodwill.
d. Trying to block a flashback can make it more intense.

16. What advice does the author NOT give regarding how to handle hypervigilance?
a. It is reasonable for the unfaithful spouse to explain is or her whereabouts to the betrayed spouse.
b. The betrayed spouse should just accept the word of the unfaithful spouse without verification.
c. It is reasonable for the betrayed spouse to verify the unfaithful spouse’s assertions. Every time something checks out okay, trust can potentially rebuild.
d. It is reasonable for the betrayed spouse to hire a private investigator to confirm the claims of the unfaithful partner.

17. Which is NOT true concerning relapses?
a. In the early months of recovery, relapses occur frequently when things seem to be going especially well. A wonderful night of love-making can be followed by an argument because the betrayed spouse’s vulnerability is followed by the anxiety of being hurt again.
b. If the unfaithful husband was flirtatious before his affair, this behavior won’t bother his wife after the affair is over because she knows he has always been this way.
c. Getting a full night of sleep can help one cope better with relapses.
d. Seek help from a licensed mental health professional if your discussions with your spouse are explosive with accusations and avoidance.

Chapter 7: Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill (p. 162-187)
18. What advice does the author give regarding getting back to normal and fostering positive exchanges?
a. Make time to have fun together without talking about the affair.
b. Dream about your future together. Talk about what you have to look forward to after you have both healed from the affair: graduations, weddings, grandchildren, and retirement.
c. Learn to care for your spouse in the way that is most meaningful to him or her, not necessarily in the way that is most meaningful to you.
d. All of the above.

19. If you are a betrayed wife who is resisting your formerly unfaithful husband’s attempts to repair your marriage by caring for you, which is NOT helpful advice for you?
a. Express appreciation for any effort, however small, made by your husband. “Thank you for cleaning the kitchen.” “I appreciated your phone call today.” “Thanks for mowing the lawn. It looks nice.”
b. Don’t have the attitude that you will wait for your husband to initiate affection first, or that “I’ll do something nice for him only if he first does something nice for me.”
c. Don’t do something nice unless you first feel like doing it, otherwise it won’t be a genuine act of kindness. Feelings must precede behavior.
d. Treat any display of affection as “valid in the moment” without trying to assign long-term meaning to it.

20. A wife tells her husband that she had a hard day at work because of difficulty with her boss. Which is the best example of the husband listening to his wife with empathy?
a. “Your boss is a jerk. Why don’t you transfer to a different department.”
b. “Maybe your boss was just having a hard day, too.”
c. “I’m sorry your boss made things difficult for you. I wish things had turned out better.”
d. “Let’s put the day behind us and try not to think about it.”

21. Which is NOT true regarding telling the story of the affair?
a. It decreases the couple’s probability of staying married.
b. It can provide missing pieces of the story which help the betrayed spouse let go of obsessive thoughts.
c. It reveals how the deception was carried out. This can help the unfaithful spouse to reestablish credibility.
d. It can reduce the unfaithful spouse’s obsession with the affair partner, because prior secrecy intensified the arousal and made the partner appear more attractive and exciting than he or she would have been if their relationship had not been a secret.

22. Which of the following behaviors does NOT help tell the story of the affair?
a. When the betrayed spouse interprets the reasons for the affair in light of the unfaithful spouse’s deficient upbringing (“The reason you had the affair was because you never got enough love from your parents.”)
b. When the betrayed spouse asks questions he or she has accumulated on a written list.
c. When the unfaithful spouse responds to the question in “b” with “How is this information going to help you to heal?” And then proceeds to answer the questions truthfully.
d. When the unfaithful spouse says, “I understand that it will take a long time before you will be able to trust me again because of the lies I told you.”

23. Which of the following questions, did the author NOT recommend betrayed spouses ask their unfaithful spouses?
a. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
b. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?
c. What specific sex acts did you engage in?
d. How could it go on for so long if you knew it was wrong?
e. Did you think about me at all?
f. What did you share (tell) about us?
g. Did you talk about love or about a future together?
h. What did you see in the affair partner?
I. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?
j. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this similar or different?
k. Did you have unprotected sex?

Chapter 9: The Story of Your Marriage (p. 217-247)
24. One of the most frequent requests by husbands is for their wives to initiate sex. However, the wife who is perpetually pressed for sex before she senses any personal desire will never have the opportunity to feel enough desire to initiate lovemaking. Men often turn to sex to relax, whereas women usually have to be relaxed to enjoy sex. The author says that one of the best ways a husband can help his wife relax enough to desire sex is
a. to give her a neck, back, or foot massage.
b. to fold the laundry and help put the kids to bed.
c. to call her during the day just to say he was thinking about her.
d. to get a baby sitter and take her out to dinner.

25. Which is NOT true?
a. If your husband or wife loves you, then your marriage is safe from infidelity.
b. The spouse who is giving less to the marriage is more likely to have an affair. The spouse who gives more is more committed and will feel more attached.
c. A harmful triangle that makes a marriage vulnerable to infidelity is when one spouse forms a bond with someone or something else that is stronger than the marital bond. This someone or something else could be an extended family member, therapist, hobby, serious avocation, artistic pursuit, athletic activity, volunteer work, or even an affair. The spouse who is left out in the cold is at risk for seeking attention and support outside the marriage.
d. Affairs that occur early in marriage are more likely to lead to divorce than affairs which occur later in long-term marriages. They may indicate a fear of commitment or a belief that the marriage was a mistake.
e. In planning for their wedding, the husband-to-be and bride-to-be should seek to please each other more than their own families.
f. A husband often feels neglected as his wife attends to the physical and emotional demands of a newborn baby.
g. Mothers of preschool children seldom have affairs because they have insufficient time, energy, or opportunity.
h. A child-centered marriage is vulnerable to infidelity.
i. For many couples, the teenage years are the time when marital satisfaction is lowest. Parents often feel alienated from their adolescent children, and even each other when they don’t agree on setting limits.
j. Empty-nesters often find a resurgence of companionship and intimacy.

26. TRUE or FALSE?
After an affair, it is important to figure out how the marital relationship got off track and how to get it back on course. It’s important to see what role each spouse played in marital problems without holding the betrayed spouse responsible for the affair. Contributing to marital problems is NOT the same as causing infidelity.
a. True
b. False

Chapter 10: Your Individual Stories (p. 248-278)
27. Which is NOT true?
a. If you are sexually permissive before marriage and had multiple partners at an early age, it won’t hurt your ability to remain faithful to your spouse after you get married.
b. Across cultures, men are attracted to beauty and youth, and women are attracted to power and resources. What powerful men fail to understand is that at the same time they are using young women for sex, they themselves are being used for power.
c. Individuals with strong moral values who believe that nothing justifies extramarital involvement make a special effort to avoid opportunities to be unfaithful, no matter what their current level of marital satisfaction.
d. Guilt can serve as a deterrent for infidelity only when it is perceived before infidelity is committed.
e. Shame does not deter infidelity and can actually cause more of it. A shamed husband will seek relief for how badly he feels, not for how badly his wife feels for his betrayal. A better approach to his shame is to stop his self-pity, take responsibility for what he has done, and show true confession for his wife’s hurt.

28. Which is NOT true?
a. Affair partners are generally no more physically attractive than the spouses they rival. What makes them appealing is the approval and admiration they give to the unfaithful spouses.
b. An alexythymic husband will have difficulty feeling warmth and contentment from a stable marriage and could therefore seek the thrill and excitement from an affair.
c. People with an addictive personality are frequently addicted to getting high on more than one thing (sex, alcohol, exercise, etc.)
d. People who get drunk (alcohol) are no more likely to be unfaithful than sober spouses.

Chapter 11: The Story of Outside Influences (p. 279-292)
29. Although there is no way to predict with certainty whether an individual is going to be unfaithful, we do know who is more likely to be unfaithful and who is more likely to be monogamous. Of the following, who is more likely to be unfaithful?
a. A person whose friends support a monogamous lifestyle and lives in a small community.
b. A person who regularly attends religious services and has parents and grandparents who were faithful to each other.
c. A person who works alone, close to home, and doesn’t travel for business.
d. A person who does not attend worship services, lives in a large city, and whose parents were unfaithful.

30. Which is NOT true?
a. It is reasonable for worried partners to insist that their spouses terminate or limit friendship that encourage infidelity. To make the marriage safe, it may be necessary to sacrifice friends of the same sex who are not friends of the marriage.
b. The more successful a man is and the greater his income, the more likely he is to have an affair.
c. In nearly all cultures, men and women have been equally punished for extramarital relationships.
d. The more premarital sexual activity a person has, the more likely that person will be involved in an extramarital affair.

Chapter 12: The Story of the Affair Partner (p. 293-311)
31. Which is NOT true?
a. The majority of single women hope and believe that their married lovers will leave their wives.
b. Affair partners are usually superior to the spouses they compete with.
c. Of 4,100 prominent men surveyed by Jan Halper, 85% who cheated on their wives stayed in their marriages while the other 15% got divorced. Only 3% of the men who got divorced during an affair ended up marrying their illicit lovers. 3% of 15% equals .45%. So of the original 4,100 men who cheated, only 18 men ended up marrying their illicit lovers.
d. Many single women appear to experience little guilt over having affairs with married men. They use rationalization, denial, and unconscious mechanisms to avoid feeling guilty. In some cases, they simply have no conscience about what they are doing and no empathy for the wife and children they are sabotaging.
e. Although many women have not guilt about being involved with married men, only a few survive with no regrets. Most affair partners are acting out dysfunctional triangles in their families of origin.

Chapter 13: Healing Together (p. 315-338)
32. Recovery means that the infidelity is no longer the focus of daily life. Healing means that most of the time it hardly hurts at all: Both spouses have regained hopefulness, confidence, safety, caring, and honest communication.
How long does it usually take to reconstruct the marriage?
a. about 3 months
b. 3 to 6 months
c. 6 months to 1 year
d. 1 to 2 years

33. Which is a helpful thing for an unfaithful husband to do when completing unfinished business?
a. He should get rid of all physical reminders of the affair (photos, letters, cards, emails, gifts, etc.)
b. He should make a formal statement to the affair partner that he is ending the affair and choosing to stay in his marriage because he loves his wife. He can do this over the phone or by email, witnessed by his wife.
c. If the unfaithful husband is not able to satisfactorily answer his wife “Why did you have your affair?”, then it may help her for him to state all the reasons why he did NOT have the affair.
d. All of the above.

34. Which is NOT true?
a. In helping to mend trauma wounds, the unfaithful spouse must evolve from the one causing the hurt to the one soothing the hurt. When a wounded wife is experiencing a flashback, the husband should offer to comfort her.
b. Accountability means that unfaithful spouses need to answer questions about where they are going, what they are doing, and with whom.
c. Friends and family members are often reluctant at first to welcome back the person who hurt their loved one because they are afraid that further pain will be inflicted.
d. Children should be told about their parent’s infidelity.
f. Recovering couples have a shared vision of fidelity. The spouses with more permissive attitudes commits to exclusivity because of the pain his or her behavior has caused, and because another incident could end the marriage. This spouse avoids further opportunities for infidelity, such as office partners without spouses, singles bars, and gatherings with friends who do not support monogamy. People who are committed to marriage don’t act like they are single.

Chapter 14: Forgiving and Moving Forward (p. 339-356)
35. Which is NOT true about forgiveness?
a. Forgiveness is letting go of obsessiveness, bitterness, resentment, revenge, and the need to punish the unfaithful spouse.
b. The betrayed spouse should grant forgiveness as soon as the affair is made known.
c. Accusatory suffering is when the betrayed spouse unconsciously believes that if forgiveness is granted, then the unfaithful spouse will be exonerated from blame and forget the depth and breadth of the damage he or she has caused.
d. The unfaithful spouse should make a heartfelt apology and a formal request to be forgiven: “I hope you can forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I violated our marriage vows. I was sexually and emotionally unfaithful. I’m sorry I did this to you. Would you forgive me?”
e. In granting forgiveness, the betrayed spouse, while specifying what transgressions are being forgiven, should also specify what behaviors cannot be tolerated in the future.